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How to Get a Child to Eat When They Refuse (9 Tips)

Kids who refuse to eat can drive their parents nuts. Learn how to get a child to eat when they refuse.

One of the challenges I see in my work as a pediatric dietitian is picky eating. When a kid is refusing new foods or involved in power struggles around food, it can be a real stressor for the family. 

From typical food jags when toddlers want their favorite food day after day to chronic food refusal in older kids, and everything in between, when children won’t eat, things get stressful.

Very. Stressful.

When you have a child that won’t eat healthy foods, you may think they’re underweight, malnourished, or failing to grow. 

I’ve seen children who aren’t eating well and are “normal” size, or even, larger in size.

In this article, you’ll learn about whether or not food refusal is a problem, why you shouldn’t try to “get kids to eat,” and 9 tips to get a child to eat when they refuse.

Let’s address the first order of business: Your perception of what’s going on when your kid is refusing food at meal times.

How to get a child to eat when they refuse.

Is Food Refusal a Real Problem?

More than once, I’ve had parents tell me their child “doesn’t eat anything,” yet the growth chart indicates they’re gaining weight and growing

Obviously, the child is eating enough, but, they may not be getting a balanced diet or the nutrients they need to be well-nourished.

Sometimes, there is a disconnect between how much the rest of the family thinks the child should eat, and what is normal and appropriate for the child’s age. 

Remember, young children eat small portions of food compared to kids and adults.

Bowlfuls of food for baby, or medium-size portions of different foods at one sitting for the toddler may be too much food, exceeding their nutritional requirements.

If your child isn’t eating, do a quick check of their growth chart and refer to the food portions that are appropriate for their age.

(Note: Babies, toddlers and kids should be supported during eating so they may self-regulate their food consumption, eating until they are satisfied, and stopping when they’re full.)

child eating off a spoon in How to Get a Child to Eat When They Refuse

Should You Try to Get a Toddler to Eat?

Let’s talk about how to get your child to eat. I know that you might feel like it’s your job to get your child to eat food, but I want you to know it’s not.

Let me repeat: It’s not your job to get your child to eat.

There are important aspects around feeding your child that are part of your job. Here’s what you’re responsible for:

  • Setting up a positive environment at the mealtime so that your child enjoys coming to the dinner table (or highchair).
  •  Creating eating opportunities several times each day, based on your child’s age, so they can meet their appetite and nutritional needs.
  • Selecting, cooking and assembling a well-balanced meal that is tasty and has eye-appeal.
  • Helping your child eat if they truly need it, but simultaneously being hands off and letting your child explore food on their own.
  • Respecting your child when they say they’re done (and end the meal).

After that, your job is done. It’s up to your child to do the job of eating at that point, which is deciding whether they’ll eat what you’re serving and how much. This is Satter’s Division of Responsibility.

Refusing to Eat is Common in Young Children

Saying “no” to new food, family meals, and healthy snacks is an act of independence for many children. A way to differentiate themselves, have a voice, and engage their autonomy. 

Each child, I believe, has the right to say no. That goes for eating food.

In toddlers, refusing to eat is considered a normal part of their developmental progression. It’s how they separate from their caregivers.

The nature of developing children is to refuse (push away), then come back (pull) for security. It can be frustrating, but it’s normal.

As a mom of young adults, I can tell you, this push and pull goes on in childhood, and into adolescence. They need you, then they don’t, then they do again. 

little boy crying in a box in How to Get a Child to Eat When They Refuse

You Can’t Make a Child Eat

Have you ever heard the phrase, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink?”

The same goes with children. You can bring them to the table, but you cannot make them eat. Not in a healthy, nurturing, and empowering way.

Of course, some parents will try to make their kids eat. They think it’s their job to do so. (re-read your job above, if needed).

They will entice young kids with dessert as a reward for trying something new. They will plead, beg, and nag them until they take a bite. Some will even threaten and punish their child just to get one bite of food into them.

What is the end result of all these tactics? I can assure you that one bite of food will not make a big dent in the overall nourishment of your child, nor will making your child eat create more respect for you (or for food).

What making your child eat may do, though, is erode the trust they have in you as an unconditionally loving and supportive human being, while potentially damaging or delaying their healthy relationship with food. All this effort to get your child to eat often backfires, leading to less food eaten and a hard time at the table.

Unfortunately, the outcome of making your child eat can be dramatic…and damaging.

Download the Do’s & Dont’s of Picky Eating!

How to Get a Child to Eat When they Refuse

I know it can be really frustrating when your child won’t eat.

If your child is underweight, you probably think about their eating all the time. You can’t help yourself.

If your child won’t eat, yet otherwise is “normal,” you may be perplexed. 

Same with the child who is picky and in a larger body, or on a weight gain trend.  

What to Do When a Child Refuses to Eat

When a child isn’t eating, my advice may sound familiar, but it’s meant to calm you and give you some actionable steps:

1. Have Loads of Patience with Your Child’s Eating

For many young children, this “not eating” phase will pass. For young children, food fear, food jags, and an unwillingness to try new food is time-limited.

If you do your job (above), your child will be better able to do their job (eat) and move through this phase on their own. 

If you interfere by using pressure, rewards, punishment, or other ways to get your child to eat, you may incur a delay or a standstill in this area (ie, a food strike) for much longer.

2. Use Good Food Parenting for the Long Run

You can love your child and set limits. You can say no to their food requests.

The point is that you need to keep your eye on the long term goal: raising a healthy child who navigates different types of food and eating with confidence and ease. 

This is done, in part, when you stick to your job, feed well, and allow your child the autonomy and freedom to figure things out (within the context of healthy meals and snacks).

While the short term goal of getting your child to eat today is tempting, it can be a trap. 

A trap that can send you down the road of counterproductive feeding interactions, which can damage your child’s confidence and relationship with food in the long run.

3. Use Structure and Systems to Make Feeding Easier

I couldn’t have successfully fed my four kids without structure and systems around food. 

I created routines with the timing of meals and snacks, a regular place where they were served, and a menu that was largely decided by me.

I used a food system that focused on healthy eating and that worked for our family. Mostly nutritious foods, but with leeway for sweets and treats like cookies and French fries. 

I also had a routine for bedtime, nap time, physical activity, and for how each day would unfold.

Kids do very well with structure and systems. It anchors their day so they can expect and predict what will happen as the day goes on. 

This offers them security. When you have a good system and structure in place, you will be more comfortable with being flexible. 

How to Get a Child to Eat When He Refuses

4. Set Limits and Boundaries

I meet many parents who are worried about what limits or boundaries may do to their children. The fear? Saying no to their child.

They get caught up in how their child will react to limitations and this dissuades them from changing what isn’t working to a plan that will better suit their child’s development.

They say:

It sounds like you’re telling me to let my child go to bed hungry if they don’t eat at dinner time.

It sounds like I’m the food police when I say no to a hungry child or a specific food. 

It seems like closing the kitchen is restrictive.

Of course, changing the way you feed your child can be scary. By moving to a routine with meals and snacks, you’re supporting your child’s appetite regulation. 

Setting limits around food and eating habits support your system and routines. Meals and snacks are opportunities to eat, not “have-to” times to eat.

Children learn by trial and error to make the most of their eating opportunities, instead of learning they can eat at any time.

Here’s another way to look at it: do you set limits around bedtime? My guess is yes. Does the routine sometimes gets off? Probably. 

Do you make an attempt to get back to the routine or do you stay with the looser schedule that may not suit the best interests of your child?

Setting limits or boundaries around food and eating is the same as setting a routine around bedtime, saying ‘no’ to staying up late on school nights, and yes to staying on a schedule that supports your child.

5. Let your Child Help with Meal Preparation

One way to ease a child’s refusal is to involve them in the process of making food for dinner or snack time. Young children can help with food prep, setting the table, and cleaning up. They can share food ideas for meals. Not only does child involvement provide exposure to new foods, it also builds skills which support autonomy and confidence, which are key to healthy development.

6. Use Reverse Psychology

For older children, rather than fighting about food, let them know they don’t have to eat it. You want them at the table for family meals, but they can be there, sitting politely and engaging with other family members, without eating. You can say something like, “You don’t have to eat, but you do have to join us for meal time.”

Often, while at the table, a child will eat something. “Reverse” the dynamic around food and release pressure the child may feel at the dining table.

7. Keep Portion Sizes Small

Even though you may be offering a wide variety of foods, some kids, especially those who are selective or who have avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), may be overwhelmed with the amount of food on their plate.

If your child is younger, remember they have small stomachs, so the portion size should also be small. Plus, small amounts of food are less intimidating. Children may ask for more.

​8. Keep a Positive Eating Environment

When children come to the table and get prodded, asked, reminded, or lectured about food, it can become a negative experience. I recommend very little talk about food, nutrition, bodies, or health. Let this time of day be for family connection and enjoyment.

9. Control What You Can, Let Go of the Rest

If your child is refusing to eat what you’re serving, don’t despair. Take a step back and assess the situation.

Is your child in the picky eating phase where it’s typical for this behavior?

If so, ride it out. Don’t make feeding mistakes that may prolong picky eating or make it worse.

Is your child losing weight and dropping foods from his diet without adding them back?

If so, seek out an evaluation by a nutrition professional, feeding therapist, or your child’s doctor. Figure out how to help your child resume their normal growth, and whether eating is a real issue that needs professional intervention.

I’ve got resources on extreme picky eating:

Is your child actually growing well and demonstrating age-appropriate behavior?

If so, maybe you need to ease up on the worry about eating and lean into cultivating the positive behaviors you want to see from your child. 

Meltdowns about food, negative behavior at the table, and being extra demanding may be a sign that you need to flex your parenting muscle a little bit more.

Frequent Concerns 

Some parents feel like they’ve tried everything. If this is you, here is some additional advice for specific concerns.

My Child is Not Wanting to Eat

Some kids don’t want to eat because of social pressure to eat a certain way, or bullying due to body size, or other stressor, which can be emotionally challenging.

On the outside, it might just look like your child is refusing food, but there may be an underlying situation or motivation, like the desire to change one’s body size through dieting or not eating. 

If you suspect this is the case, see if your child wants to talk about it. While you cannot force your child to open up (or eat), you can create the opportunity.

My Child is Hungry But Doesn’t Want to Eat

If your child says they’re hungry but doesn’t want to eat, I would be curious about their reasoning. Are they holding out for something different to eat? Are they trying to control how much they eat? Why don’t they want to eat? 

When a child admits they’re hungry and also states they don’t want to eat, then I am really curious. Is there a lack of appetite? Pain or discomfort with eating? A lack of desire for eating may be tied to stress. 

Don’t be afraid to open up the dialogue, especially if you think your child may be unwell or adopting disordered eating patterns. Denying hunger, a natural prompt for eating, may be a sign of more going on, like an eating disorder.

My Child Says He’s Not Hungry

The I’m not hungry response…Kids can certainly be not hungry, but some kids just say this to avoid eating. Some kids avoid the dinner table because it’s a negative environment for them. Older kids may prefer to eat on their own. Other kids may be on medications that suppress their appetite, like those with ADHD.

Support your child’s appetite cues. You don’t want to override or disregard them. However, if you have a picky eater in the house, you’ll have to interpret their comments with more context.

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Jill Castle, MS, RD

I like empowering parents to help their children and teens thrive at every size with realistic advice centered on healthful habits around food, feeding, nutrition and health behaviors. As a pediatric dietitian and author, my goal is to share strategies and realistic advice to help you raise a healthy and happy child through my articles and podcast.