“My daughter keeps saying she’s not good at anything, and lately she’s been picking apart her body in the mirror. How do I help her feel better about herself?”

Every parent wants a child who feels good about who they are. What surprises many parents is how much the kitchen table can help.

Children build self-esteem through warm, steady feeding, real jobs that make them feel capable, praise for effort and character, and a home where bodies aren’t criticized. The same everyday moments around food can also chip away at self-esteem when they come with teasing, labels, or pressure to be perfect.

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence?

Self-esteem is how much your child values themselves as a person. Self-confidence is how much they believe in their own abilities. The two feed each other. A teen who feels capable in the kitchen or on the field often feels better about who they are, and a child who feels worthy is more willing to try new things.

Self-esteem builders and breakers at a glance

Builders	Breakers
A warm, structured feeding style	Teasing about weight, shape, or looks
Real jobs in the kitchen	Criticizing what or how much your child eats
Encouragement to stick with hard things	Brushing off your child’s worries
Praise for inner qualities	Putting down your own body
	Pressure to be perfect

How can I build my child’s self-esteem with food?

1. Feed with warmth and structure. A diplomatic, or authoritative, feeding style pairs clear boundaries and structure with reasonable choices. It’s the feeding style most linked to kids who trust their hunger and fullness, and that trust is a quiet source of confidence.

2. Give your child real jobs. Learning a skill and getting it right builds a sense of “I can do this.” The kitchen is a perfect place to practice.

• Ages 2 to 4: Wash produce, tear lettuce, stir, and help set the table.
• Ages 5 to 8: Measure, spread, assemble an after-school snack, and help pack lunch.
• Ages 9 to 12: Follow a simple recipe, make breakfast, and help in the garden.
• Teens: Plan and cook a family meal. My podcast interview with the author of PREP: The Essential College Cookbook has great ideas.

3. Encourage them to stick with it. When something is hard, show your child you believe they can finish. Skip empty praise like “You’re the best cook ever!” Kids can tell when it isn’t true, and it doesn’t build real confidence.

4. Praise who they are. Notice your child’s inner qualities: kindness, honesty, loyalty, fairness, and effort.

What to say instead of “Good job!”

• “You kept trying with that recipe even when it got tricky.”
• “You figured out how to crack the egg all by yourself.”
• “It was kind of you to make a snack for your brother.”
• “I love how you stood up for your friend today.”

What can hurt my child’s self-esteem?

1. Teasing about weight or looks. My dad always said that teasing was a form of affection—and for me, it was. But it isn’t for everyone. In fact, it can be quite hurtful. Even playful teasing about body shape or size can change how a child sees themselves.

2. Criticizing eating choices. Labels like “picky eater” or “you always eat too much” can become part of how a child sees themselves. Notice effort instead: “You tried a bite of the salmon tonight.” For more, read my article on negative comments about food and weight.

3. Brushing off worries. If your child brings up the same concern more than once, especially about their body, take it seriously. Open a calm, judgment-free conversation, and read my article on what to say when your child asks, “Do you think I’m fat?”

4. Putting yourself down. When you say “I feel fat” or “I can’t eat that,” your child is listening. Kids learn how to talk about their own bodies by hearing how you talk about yours.

5. Pressure to be perfect. Perfectionism around food, cooking, or behavior can wear down confidence, and in some kids it can contribute to an eating disorder. Let the kitchen be messy and mistakes be part of learning.

What about comments from other people?

Family members can tear down self-esteem without meaning to. For words to use with relatives, read my article on diet talk from family members.

Take-Aways

Self-esteem isn’t built in one big moment. It grows meal by meal, in the jobs we hand our kids, the words we choose, and the way we talk about bodies, including our own. Start with one builder this week, and watch your child’s confidence grow.

Resources

• The Nourished Child Blueprint
• Food Parenting Guide
• Kids Thrive at Every Size

This was originally published in April 2015 | Updated in October 2026